(OR: HOW YOU CAN BE A GOODER WRITER, TODAY!)
By John Skipp
Dear class –
I’d like to dedicate this month’s creative escapade to a young writer/entrepreneur by the name of J. Timothy King, who – though he probably didn’t plan it this way – has brought much joy to my life over the course of the past week.
Here’s the deal:
Below, you’ll find a link to Mr. King’s ebook, entitled 1001 CHARACTER QUIRKS FOR WRITING FICTION: A TOOL FOR CREATING MEMORABLE FICTIONAL CHARACTERS.
I strongly urge you to peruse this advertisement, because what follows will be a whole lot funnier if you do.
And your assignment – should you choose to accept it – will be based directly on your response to the quality of the ideas and expression contained therein.
Ready? Go!
J. Timothy King’s Quirky List (link by Dave)
Okay. So I don’t know about you guys, but I am totally fucking sold. In fact, I don’t think that “1,001 Character Quirks” are nearly enough. AND NEITHER DO YOU!
That’s why I’m offering “10,000,000,001 MORE Adorable Character Quirks!”
Check out these 20 FREE SAMPLES!
———————–
1) Picks nose frequently.
2) Forgets to chew sometimes.
3) Is 62 years old.
4) Has never been to Spain.
5) Is a Wichita Lineman.
6) Makes muskrat love, with actual muskrats.
7) Would vote for George W. Bush again, if given half a chance.
8 ) Can’t turn invisible, but can make you THINK they’re invisible.
9) Has a harelip.
10) Has a black light in their bedroom, even though it makes their teeth look green.
11) Is actually kinder, by and large, than the historical Jesus.
12) Has every album by the band Toto, on vinyl and CD.
13) Eats scrambled eggs and orange slices for breakfast with the family, four days a week, and wonders why they all have such sulfurous farts.
14) Enjoys the texture of felt.
15) Is frightened by lint.
16) Is so ticklish he or she turns violent, and kills.
17) Has a dozen nipples.
18 ) Speaks a dozen languages, including Panda.
19) Has been cut in half.
20) Is unsightly. (Or attractive!)
———————-
See how easy that is? YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE TO THINK! (#21)
And yet, you find that your characters are still not “quirky” enough? Of course they aren’t! The fact is, all best-selling books are populated exclusively by characters so jam-packed with quirk, they’re literally CHOKING on their own abnormality!
Not convinced? Try these 20 NEW SAMPLES, fresh from our ovens:
———————
1) Is obsessed with phlegm.
2) Collects doggie dashboard ornaments (bobble heads a plus!).
3) Member of Ruth Buzzi Fan Club.
4) Wears only hot pink and lime green.
5) Cannot discuss sausages without yelling “Snausages!”
6) Pretends he’s a mastadon, when cornered.
7) Is covered with suppurating boils.
8 ) Won’t stop hitting on your mom.
9) Still does his Chris Farley impression.
10) Dreads sundown.
11) Maintains backyard mud-wrestling pit.
12) Lines underwear with eggplant, just in case they need a snack.
13) Wears glasses with actual Coke bottle lenses.
14) Says “Top of the mornin’ to ya!”
15) Wishes she could be shrunk, injected into a scientist’s bloodstream, and wind up sexually accosted by microorganisms.
16) Is suspicious of cheese.
17) Follows you home.
18 ) Specializes in frumpy hats.
19) Lives in Wyoming.
20) Calls cockroaches “land lobsters”, and treats them accordingly.
——————-
At this point, frankly, I’m a bit concerned that the revolutionary impact of J. Timothy King’s theories is still being dismissed here, in a fairly callous and cavalier fashion.
So in the interest of great literature through the ages, and the hope that it flowers, eternal…
…HERE’S ONE LAST JUMBO BATCH OF HUGELY IMPORTANT CHARACTER QUIRKS! Ignore them at your own peril!
—————–
1) Shaves his balls.
2) Thinks the words “Ass-Burger’s Syndrome” are funny.
3) Always takes a Ouija board to parties.
4) Knows all the words to John Coltrane “songs”; sings them like Bullwinkle Moose.
5) Is overly fond of gnats.
6) Will drink a liver-and-onion daquiri if you dare him.
7) Dances like Crispin Glover.
8 ) Still keeps the first dead bird she ever found in a Baggie in her sock drawer; thinks it gives her “mystical powers”.
9) Has that whole “naked-women-covered-with-baked-beans” fetish.
10) Believes that chickens are the Devil.
11) After three minutes, decides “You’re my best friend EVER!”
12) Thinks rich people smell like actual money.
13) Incubates in raw sewage.
14) Has a little tuft on their forehead.
15) Thinks Justin Timberlake is “rough trade”.
16) Still loves the great taste of Elmer’s Glue.
17) Dresses their vestigal twin in Barbie clothes.
18 ) Fondles walnuts.
19) Kisses like a drowning sailor.
20) Won’t stop screaming, no matter how many times you slap them.
21) Thinks Metamusel is an energy drink.
22) Can’t be bothered with flushing.
23) Runs 10 miles every day, even though it takes them all day to do so.
24) Used to date Tiny Tim.
25) Has cauliflower ears, cherry tomato eyes, carrot fingers, sliced cucumber nipples, and a belly full of ranch dressing.
26) Believes that FRATERNITY VACATION with Stephen Geoffreys is still the greatest teen sex comedy ever made.
27) Considers their home to be one enormous ant farm.
28) Doesn’t believe in vowel sounds.
29) Thought the doctor said he wanted a “pancreatic casserole”, and can’t find the recipe anywhere.
30) Has only one zit, but it lasts forever.
31) Stutters while asleep.
32) At 27, is the oldest third-grader in town.
33) Wishes babies were taller.
34) Can crush a full can of Fosters Lager between their ass cheeks.
35) Believes that life is but a dream; is desperately trying to wake up.
36) Wishes R.L. Stine would write more books for grownups.
37) Wishes Ann Coulter would write more books for grownups. (ZING!)
38) Likes to “lick the batter” out of cement mixers.
39) Lives in terror that the guy from Kids In The Hall will actually crush his head.
40) Thinks that faraway objects are actually as small as they appear.
———————-
As you can see, I still have quite a ways to go before making it to the coveted 10,000,000,001 mark.
And that’s where YOU come in! Cuz if we don’t make it, THERE MAY NEVER BE ANOTHER BESTSELLER!!!
So — in the immortal words of J. Timothy “Martin Luther” King — it’s time to pick up the hammer of writerly ambition, and SMASH IT REPEATEDLY against the “Magic Idea Box” that is your skull.
That’s your foolish assignment for the month.
Of course, there’s nothing wrong with keeping a “character journal”, or a running litany of human idiosyncrasy. Paying attention to the nuances of oneself and others is half the fun of the writer’s life. And vividly executing it in prose is…well, pretty much THE OTHER HALF.
Certainly, a movie like AMELIE gets most of its charm from playful, accurate observation. And I’ve never loved a movie more than I love AMELIE.
I guess the thing I find most hilarious and heartbreaking about young Mister King’s advertisement is the whole cart-in-front-of-the-horse thing.
I mean, we ALL want attention and recognition. There ain’t nothin’ wrong with that.
But when you get a guy who is seemingly-unpublished, offering to sell you the SECRETS OF BESTSELLERDOM, and he leads off his list with “Trips over things” and “Is rude to others”, I gotta think this young man has maybe gotten slightly ahead of himself.
So the great gift of laughter that J. Timothy King has brought me is twofold, at least.
First, it makes me laugh at my own writerly ego, which DESPERATELY needs to be laughed at, on a regular basis. And fortunately, there will never be a shortage of people laughing at my writerly ego. (You could be doing it RIGHT NOW!)
Second, it underscores the need for new writers to take this sort of “Instructional Paraphernalia” with as many grains of salt as your personal saltshaker has handy.
Which is not to say that I might not still purchase 1001 CHARACTER QUIRKS, as I remain unconvinced that it’s not some kind of crazy Church of the Subgenius prank: deliberately hilarious and painful, instead of just inadvertently so.
And since poor ol’ Tim has only managed one blurb for his ebook – coming, with horrifying predictability, from HIMSELF – please feel free to wrangle up some of your own. I know I did!
For example:
“Now that I have become my own ‘Magic Idea Box’, I just stay home and watch myself. I never know what I’ll do next!”
– John Skipp, Writer!
“I no longer think of characters as ‘people’…just assemblages of tics and shenanigans. And my writing has never been better!”
– Charles Dickens, Writer!
“Help! I’m trapped in a ‘Magical Idea Box’! I haven’t eaten in three days, and I’m running out of urine!”
– E.L. Doctorow, Writer!
“It appears that character quirks are the mystery ingredients that underlie all matter…oh, wait. That’s quarks. Never mind.”
– Stephen Hawkings, writer!
——————-
So, please, MORE QUIRKS! And more testimonials! Deep, heartfelt thoughts are also welcome.
And GOD BLESS YOU, J. TIMOTHY KING!!! For the laughs. For the love. And for reminding us all that a “Magic Idea Box” could be ours for the taking, if only we use – ummm – OUR IMAGINATIONS, OR SOMETHING!
Yer incorrigible instructor,
Skipp
28 Comments, Comment or Ping
John Skipp
Dear gang –
I have two things to add, here:
1) I have NO IDEA why the number “8″ turns into a smiley-face with sunglasses.
2) I wasn’t able to turn J. Timothy King’s beautiful link into an active link.
DAVE! HELLLLLLLP!!!!!!!
As usual, I’ll check in over the next several days, to see what you kids come up with! HAVE FUN!
Big love,
Skipp
Mar 5th, 2008
Arachne Jericho
We need Genre add-ons.
Like, for Science Fiction:
i) is overly fond of cattle
ii) has a shorter third foot that his Martian friends make fun of
iii) makes fun of Klingons for sport
Or Anime!
i) is both frightened and intrigued by tentacles
ii) is melded to body armor that likes to watch reruns of Seinfeld
iii) turns into vacuum cleaner when doused with cold water
Possibilities are literally endless!
Mar 5th, 2008
Fiona
Dear Skipp,
This is too funny. Are you sure you didn’t create that website just to make us laugh?
Here are my pale imitations:
1) Is an Italian-American, from southside Chicago, but will only eat with chopsticks.
2) Gets another cat from the Humane Society every Christmas eve (currently up to 23 cats.)
3) Is afraid of needles, so applies the same “writhing snake” tattoo to his arm after every shower.
4) Starts a new religion every summer solstice.
5) Has “Tooth Fairy” on her business cards.
6) Is a P.I. who carries “The Complete Works of Arthur Conan Doyle” in his car as a reference book, to help solve his cases.
7) Collects dryer lint at laundry mats.
And now for the testimonial:
“How silly I was to think plot, setting, and a command of the English Language mattered in writing. Attention to those things really slowed down my creativity. Now I can use the “Magic Idea Box” and knock out a novel a month, every month. “ –Margaret Atwood, writer!
Oh, and my personal writing will be so much improved now that I use italics, underlining, and a bold font, in every paragraph!!!
Mar 5th, 2008
Thomas Sullivan
Let’s just hope that Skipp’s list doesn’t get mixed up with the archived bios of the 30 essayists herein. Wait a minute. Skip, did you get those from…you didn’t…? Uh-oh.
– Sully
Mar 5th, 2008
darci
skipp - it’s not the 8, it’s the 8 followed by the ) that the blog software thinks you want turned into a rayban-wearing smiley. a space inserted in between should fix that.
/geek-mode
Mar 5th, 2008
Brian Hodge
Thanks for the heap of morning laughs, Skipp. It’s like … like you were channeling the spirit of Steven Wright, only not! Here are another half-dozen for the master list:
1) Is a homunculus.
2) Socially crippled by a phobia of gherkins, but only Vlasic brand.
3) Proudest accomplishment: coining the term ‘quirkapalooza.’
4) Thinks things are more fun than a barrel of dead monkeys.
5) Is trying to be the first person to illegally download every CD ever made, but is slowly being driven mad because his connection keeps breaking down whenever he tries to nab this one particular John Coltrane rarity.
6) Doesn’t actually find much to laugh at about Skipp’s writerly ego. In fact, just mention the name ‘John Skipp’ to him, and watch his face cloud over with a brooding glare.
Annnnd the blurb:
“I used to waste all kinds of time developing characters through observation, insight, and deductive reasoning … but now that I realize all I have to do is play a quick game of pin-the-quirk-on-the-character, I’m getting things done lots faster. Please come out with a wheel of fortune style interface soon.” – Vanna White, aspiring writer!
Mar 5th, 2008
John Skipp
Dear gang — See how much fun this is? Laughter is its own reward.
KEEP ‘EM COMIN’, I say! You kids are battin’ 1000!! (There are no “pale imitations” here!)
Love, Skipp
P.S. to Darci — THANKS!
P.S. to Brian — A similar question was raised at Shocklines, over the matter of “shaving balls”, but…if EVERYBODY clouds over at the mere mention of my name, does it still qualify as a quirk? Or is it more like “Often breathes” or “Enjoys a variety of snacks”?
P.S. to J. Timothy King — I LOVE YOU, MAN!!! You’ have made the world a sunshinier place.
Mar 5th, 2008
Brian Hodge
Dang you, Skipp. It’s like you’ve thrown a switch. Make them stop!!!
7) Can never place higher than 3rd in air guitar contests.
Fucks everything that moves. Yes, EVERYTHING.
9) Has no quirks whatsoever; widely reviled as the most vanilla person alive.
10) Talks like John Cleese ever since suffering a blow to the head that wasn’t really very hard at all (was he just waiting for an excuse?).
11) Never gives a sucker an even break, except for that one time that haunts him to this day.
12) Forces men to become short-order cooks in Reno, just to watch them fry.
Mar 5th, 2008
Martel Sardina
Quote: “Let’s just hope that Skipp’s list doesn’t get mixed up with the archived bios of the 30 essayists herein.”
I dedicate this list of quirks and testimonial to a dear friend and SU Contributor…
1) has rational fears of crossing the street
2) world’s fastest one fingered typist
3) counts and documents scars
4) e-mails friends above mentioned injury photos
5) channels Robert Mitchum, Elvis and Nelson Algren, sometimes simultaneously
Testimonial: “Having nine lives and superhuman strength allowed me to conduct extensive research on quirky behaviors. 1,001 Character Traits is for mere mortal authors who can’t take a hands-on approach to character development.” ~ The Scarlet Corgi
‘Til Next Month,
Martel
ps. An aside to Brian Hodge - I am currently reading “MAD DOGS.” Kudos to you, the book rocks!
Mar 5th, 2008
Dave Wilson
1) Obsessively fixes links for the net challenged (see original post).
2) Fears cheese in any form.
3) Believes that aliens are stealing our socks to make our feet cold - one at a time.
4) Isn’t Goth, really IS a vampire.
5) Listens only to The Eagles Greatest Hits from sunup to sundown.
6) Has been weaving a blanket for his bed out of used dental floss for 33 years.
7) Has a pathological fear of onomatopoeia
8 ) Counts to ten before uttering any word … counts to five between the words of sentences. Often loses track and starts over, becoming the world’s slowest stutterer.
Testimonial: I have literally tripled my output by cut-and-pasting random character traits into my stories and then adhering to them religiously. I now have twice as many characters and every one of them is “a character” - Thanks. J. Timothy!
DNW
Macabre Ink
Mar 5th, 2008
Brian Hodge
Thanks, Martel – glad you like.
And I can name your tributee in two notes!
Mar 5th, 2008
Wayne Allen Sallee
OK, Mr. Skipp:
1. Man-crushes on Kurt Russell
2. Guilty pleasure: Betty White. Naked on roller skates.
3. Wears blood spattered clown suit when selling subscriptions to CAT FANCY door to door.
4. Or when ringing the bell for the Salvation Army Kettle.
5. Starts every other paragraph with the phrase “Back when I worked with the Elvis band…”
6. Looks like Bruce Willis after being hit with a disfiguring ray.
7. Smells like Abe Vigoda’s ear hair and/or Ed Asner’s back hair.
8. Looks like Beppo the Super-Monkey.
9. Pours generous amounts of NyQuil over vanilla ice cream then melts in microwave.
10. Rinse, then repeat.
11. Once the liquor kicks in, thinks about Ernest Borgnine naked on roller skates.
12. Always forgets the number one rule of avoiding an accident: do not attempt to put on a hoodie standing underneath a revolving ceiling fan.
13. Loves dipping bacon in butter and/or Seagram’s.
14. Weeps uncontrollably during DUMBO.
15. Four words: my dachsund, my lover.
Hope you are happy now, John! All secrets revealed at last! I’m free of the chains that bind me!!!
Mar 6th, 2008
eric wilson
I don’t know if anyone else received Tim’s email about our blog regarding his ebook. Below, I’ve posted my email response…
Tim,
As writers, we are all sensitive to ridicule. I respect your decision to confront the perceived slight head on, and I can see why you might be upset after all the hard work I’m sure you’ve put into the book and web site.
I’ve written seven novels, six already in print, and I’ve learned a few things along the way–with much more to be learned! One thing to avoid in marketing your stuff is self-adulation. Rather than giving your own endorsement to the book, you would’ve done better to include others in the feedback process. A second thing is to never over-promise (i.e. exaggerate) the book’s value. I don’t know of any book that will “cut your writing time in half (or even better).” In fact, that smacks of deceit, regardless of your intentions. And there are no “professional secrets of creating rich, memorable characters.” Many writers freely give advice through books, blogs, seminars, etc. To suggest there are untapped secrets is false.
I don’t believe you were ridiculed for your attempt to produce a book. We all know how hard that is. Neither were you called a charlatan. You are selling the book at a fair price (assuming the content is of any value). And the content is the real issue here. Will your ideas help writers who are seeking publication? Will the concepts meet all the criteria you yourself have listed?
As published writers, we at Storytellers Unplugged have seen it all. You may have good intentions, yet you are missing the experience and even the basic concept upon which to build. Fiction isn’t a paint-by-numbers job, and by suggesting so, you prey on the hopes and fears of the unpublished. In the long run this can be misleading, time-wasting, and even dream-crushing for some.
I admire your desire to help others, and I’m in no place to judge your motives. If, however, I see a tool I know to be chintzy and unproven, and I see it being sold with wild claims, I will freely and loudly let others know not to waste their money.
I wish you well on any future ideas you pursue, but remember to get the feedback of “professionals” before claiming to know their “secrets.”
Mar 6th, 2008
Alma Alexander
I received his email as well. I responded to him by advising him to essentially gather up some credentials before he started touting the knowledge of the secret handshakes.
I suspect that by emailing the rest of us on SU the poor guy is going to wind up feeling even more victimised and maligned then he already is - but honestly - that sales letter of his is SO full of things that are red flags to me that at this point I will make it my mission NOT to look at this book of his at all if I can help it….
Mar 6th, 2008
Darrin
1. Can shove an entire Pabst Blue Ribbon beer can in his mouth.
2. Giggles when he sees himself naked in a mirror.
3. Holds the secret to successful fiction writing.
4. Knows all the words to “Mr. Roboto.”
5. Likes to hold a banana like a gun and pretend to shoot people.
Mar 6th, 2008
Dave Wilson
1) Googles name on Internet and lights into all critics.
DNW
Mar 6th, 2008
John Skipp
Dear gang –
There’s an amazing cartoon by B. Kliban — I’m pretty sure it’s in the appropriately-named NEVER EAT ANYTHNG BIGGER THAN YOUR HEAD — which I will attempt to describe to you now.
On the right hand side, a man with a wicked grin is squatting as he lets loose an ENORMOUS DUMP, in the shape of a human head.
On the left hand side stands a tragic fellow with a tear in his eye. For, you see, the turd-sculpture is designed to LOOK EXACTLY LIKE HIM.
The name of this cartoon, of course, is “Satire”.
And it underscores the heartbreaking side to poking fun at actual human beings, with actual human feelings…BUT IT’S STILL PRETTY FUCKING FUNNY.
And that is the terrible truth.
Correct me if I’m wrong here, but the job of the writer is to illuminate the truth — their own sense of the truth, at the very least — and communicate it to others, in ways that help us make sense of the world.
The job of the satirist is to look at the world, spot its absurdities, and nail them in ways that shock us into recognizing how preposterous they really are.
So I feel bad for Tim, cuz this has got to be like that ever-popular dream where you’re making the big speech in front of everyone, and they all start laughing, and then you realize you’ve got no pants.
But he’s gotta understand, I only found out about his poor exposed ass because other people were already laughing and pointing, in blogs and message boards and personal emails (P.S. - THANK YOU, BABY!).
The truth is, the whole “Magic Idea Box” thing is such a pitch to the rubes, such a dumbed-down appeal to the clueless, that it’s like taking a cardboard packing crate, using magic market to crudely doodle in some windows, tires, and doors, scrawling the word “KAR” on it, setting up next to the nearest Toyota dealership, and then wondering why nobody’s lining up to buy the fucking thing.
I’m not saying that he’s a bad person. I’m just saying that he horribly miscalculated the whole product/audience interface thing.
I hope that — if he continues to write — it all goes well for him. That he finds his niche, and an audience that enjoys what he does. This early embarrassment will blow by pretty quickly, as actual accomplishments get chalked up.
And I urge him to learn from William Shatner, who once recorded an album of musical performances so breathtakingly shitty that they gained legendary status in the annals of badness.
For a while, it must have killed him to know that everyone was laughing.
But as the years went by, he eventually GOT THE JOKE, and parlayed that same great singing “talent” into a schtick that made him seem like the coolest, most self-effacing egomaniac on Earth. By embracing his foibles, he turned the laughter back around, and has never been more thoroughly beloved.
“GOOD LUCK, YOUNG MAN!” is all I’m sayin’.
That, and “PUT YOUR DAMN PANTS ON!”
Yer pal,
Skipp
Mar 6th, 2008
John Skipp
P.S. — Am I the only guy who DIDN’T get his letter?
Mar 6th, 2008
Brian Knight
Skipp, thank you muchly for pointing out this gem. I would gladly offer a blurb for any future editions of this fantastic book.
“Made me laugh until pee came out.”
Brian Knight
Mar 6th, 2008
Dave Wilson
John, I didn’t get it either.
Mar 6th, 2008
Teresa
i didn’t get it either.
Mar 7th, 2008
John Skipp
Dear gang –
Yowch. I just received and read a copy of Tim’s letter. And it made me feel bad, cuz I’d made HIM feel bad, and put him through all the predictable stages of grief.
So I clearly owe the young gentleman a personal, thoughtful letter. And I will in fact read his book, if he still wants me to, then tell him what I think of it in private.
But there are a couple of things I need to say to SU readers — both students and faculty — cuz I think they cut to the heart of what SU, and helping new writers, is all about.
1. EVERYBODY’S A GREENHORN TILL THEY’VE GONE AROUND THE BLOCK, AT LEAST A COUPLE OF TIMES.
The greatest writers you’ve ever read were unpublished until they sold their first story, and unheralded until people began to read them, like them, and talk about them.
Everybody starts at the beginning, and works their way forward. It’s the nature of things, and writers are no exception to that rule.
You write until you sell. Then you do it some more. And if you’re lucky, you get enough support and recognition (and possibly moolah) to allow you to do so for the rest of your life, MAYBE EVEN FOR A LIVING, if you so choose.
But everyone has to start somewhere.
Which is to say: at the beginning.
And there ain’t no crime in that.
2. SINCERE GREENHORNS ARE THE BEST.
Skills come from practical experience, and can be learned.
But there is no substitute for sincerity.
Reading Tim’s letter — as opposed to his ad — it struck me that the guy seemed pretty darn sincere. Just trying to pass along some of the insight he’d received, hype himself up, and maybe make a couple bucks.
But therein lies the following problem:
3. AWKWARD SELF-HYPE = INSTANT HILARITY.
I’ve had writers — more writers than you might think, including some of frankly astonishing talent — come up to me and say, “What do you think of my new campaign?”
And then I would read alarming stuff like:
“First came Poe…then came Lovecraft…then came King…then came Barker…and THEN CAME [insert name here].”
It wasn’t that I didn’t understand where they were going. They recognized greatness, believed in themselves, and wanted to draw the best available comparisons.
But my reaction was invariably, “Dude, please. Don’t. They will LAUGH YOU OUT OF THE ROOM. If you’re good, other people will notice. And if they like where you’re coming from, they’ll be happy to praise you, in ways that won’t embarrass you, but rather make you proud.
“If you do it yourself, you might as well slap a fucking bullseye on your forehead, or perhaps a KICK ME sign. Cuz that’s what’s gonna happen, no matter how good you are.”
And in Tim’s case, that’s exactly what happened.
In the classroom, I would NEVER have gone all Bill Hicks on his ass. I would have taken him aside, and told him what the deal was, so as to spare him the none-too-gentle ribbing.
Cuz we are all just here to learn and grow.
Which is to say…
4. I WAS A TEENAGE GREENHORN, TOO.
Let me put it this way: if there had been an internet when I was starting out, you guys would have SO MUCH SHIT ON ME.
So many mistakes. So many false starts. So many highfalutin’ claims that I could never live up to.
Very much like today!
And yet…aiming too high is just another way of saying that at least you’re ACTUALLY AIMING HIGH. If you don’t make it this time, then you try it again.
Or to paraphrase Frank Zappa: “Failure” is what they call all the cool shit you try, until something works.
When it works, it’s called “Success”.
And so, in conclusion:
5. I’M SORRY, TIM, FOR HURTING YOUR FEELINGS. I am certainly not writing you off. If you have great work in you, then nothing should stop you.
That add was still pretty retarded, though.
I would definitely look into that.
Yer pal,
Skipp
Mar 7th, 2008
John B. Rosenman
Screamingly funny, Skipp. I wouldn’t have apologized. Well, maybe I’d say I was sorry for hurting his feelings, but not for writing that blog. Tim’s flyer cried out to be whacked and spoofed, which you did in brilliant fashion.
As for the rest of the SU Community, it’s obvious that your careers have stalled and that you are all creative has-beens. Well, thank your lucky stars for me, that’s all I can say. Just send me $49.99 for my MAGIC ADVERB BOX, and you can be reborn as a writer! I swear, it’s magic! Below are just a few ways you can use my MAGIC ADVERB BOX to generate adverbs with zing that not only revitalize your prose and dialogue, but sex up your narrative.
“Madge, I don’t know what’s wrong with me tonight,” Tom said limply. “I guess I’m just not in the mood.”
“I never did it this way before,” Bruce said doggedly. “But watch it with the elbow, okay?”
“You’re so wonderful,” LaTonya said orgasmically.
“Thank you,” Jake responded rigidly.
See how easy it is? Remember . . . you’re less than fifty dollars away from turning your lanquishing writing career around!
Mar 7th, 2008
John Skipp
Dear John –
Believe me, I have NO REGRETS on the comical social commentary. Just trying to clean up some of the emotional collatoral damage, is all. (He took it very personally.)
And listen, pal: I don’t need your crazy ADVERB BOX. I got QUIRKS! I GOT A MILLION QUIRKS, BABY!!!
Yer dignified compatriot,
Skipp
P.S. — Umm…may I borrow some adverbs, please?
Mar 8th, 2008
Brian Hodge
At this point, all I wanna know is where I can get one of those KAR things.
Mar 8th, 2008
John Skipp
Dear Brian — It’s simple! Just inhabit the following quirks!
1. Drives a cardboard car.
2. Makes e-z mini-monthly payments of only $399!
3. Makes a variety of horn sounds with his mouth, from “Meep meep” to “HONK! HONK!”, depending on his level of road rage.
4. Cultivates Fred Flintstone feet.
5. Elopes with an inflatable love doll.
6. Goes into Denny’s, says, “Mmm, that looks good,” and eats the menu.
7. Cries little plastic tears.
8. Tries to fly by flapping his arms real hard.
9. Needs to be scraped off driveway.
10. Thinks the people on TV are really in his hospital room.
11. Can’t understand why the TV people are so much shorter than his doctor.
12. Thinks his doctor is made of cardboard, too.
13. Pokes a hole in his doctor; needs to be forcibly restrained.
14. Yells “HONK! HONK! HOOOONK!” defiantly as they strap him down.
15. Is never heard from again.
———-
And as hope you’ve noticed, I told that entire story using nothing but quirks.
USING QUIRKS = REALLY WORKS!!!
Yer resident quirkspert,
Dr. Skipp
Mar 8th, 2008
Brian Hodge
Yikes … that one hits a little too close to home.
Two minor revisions, though:
#3: I’m really more of an ‘aahOOOOOgah’ type.
#3a: Hears a continual life soundtrack of ‘Yakety Sax.’
Mar 8th, 2008
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