So…
Basic Rules for the Cover Letter:
Write one if you have something worth saying. If you’ve been published (for real—and more on that in a moment), share that. If you simultaneously graduated from the University of Iowa’s Writers’ Workshop, Harvard Law School, and Naropa’s School of Disembodied Poetics, that’s info that belongs in your letter. If you’re reminding the editor you met at Loafing Bread Writing Conference where your CPR treatment saved the life of this editor’s only daughter, or if you were Oprah’s featured human being last Thursday, or if your autobiography will soon be filmed with Daffy Duck in the lead role…
But do not write a dumb cover letter.
Illustrative Dumb Examples Closely Based on Real Dumb Thing(s):
1. CUTESY-POO. “Wow! Your mag makes me twitch and tremble, shimmer and shake, slither and salivate! It flash-freezes my blood and parboils my brain! And it inspired a super story to pop out of my skull and land on the paper–KER-PLOP! It’s enclosed.”
Cute is for when you’re three years old, reciting “I’m a Little Teapot” for company. For an (alleged) adult, “cute” equals “silly.”
2. OVER 800,000 IN PRINT. “My stories have appeared in MonsterFriends, Gag n’ Retch, Supine Dirty Bird, Night Hamster, Club Fred, Goulash, Sufferin’ Sambora, Yah-dah-dah, Dah-da-da, Lah-da-da…
It’s fine to list credits, but if you have appeared in 784 mico-press and Internet pubs, all of which combined don’t have a circulation of 784, you’re not going to impress anyone who knows this biz–and most editors do.
In the “old papers” cited above, there’s a cover letter an honest-to-for-real pro sent me; he used two sentences to mention his 20 novels and three films.
3. HEY YOU! “I’ve been reading your rag. No question, I can do a lot better.”
If you are someone with the reputation of a Ray Bradbury, a Michael Chabon, a Steve Almond, a David Schow, a (an?) F. Paul Wilson, perhaps you could bring off something like this—but no way would Bradbury, Chabon, Almond, Schow, or a (an?)
Enough about dumb cover letters.
Dumb Submissions
It arrives folded all squinchy-wrinkly. It looks like it was jammed into the envelope by a Quaalude-gobbler who failed Origami in the park district’s summer rec program.
It has been produced on an ink jet printer in a variety of colors—except where no ink has hit the paper, leaving you to fill in the blank.
Whatever, the manuscript has a crummy appearance.
It shouldn’t.
If you are a pro, your submission radiates “pro-ness” even before an editor reads word one. Your mom had it right: “First impressions are important.” That’s why she beat you with a stick to help you understand that.
I had a would-be contributor apologize (in a dumb cover letter—see above) for the appearance of his manuscript, but he was “too poor to afford a new ink jet printer.”
You know, despite my dreams of running for the roses, I am too poor to afford a race horse–which I would name Irving Berlin–if I could afford it–which I can’t–and so you won’t see me atop Irving in the Derby’s winner’s circle.
If you’re a writer, you have a writer’s tools, period.
Onward.
A dumb submission often displays remarkable creativity–in spelling! How many “r’s” in occurring? is it dependent or dependant? Writer, develop a good working relationship with your dictionary.
And develop a good working relationship with a grammar handbook–the Warriner and the Harbrace are both excellent–and with the best “write it right” book there is, Strunk and White’s The Elements of Style.
If you don’t hear a problem in “…The boys like playing, running, and to jump…”
If you don’t hear a problem in “…just between you and I…” or “just between the two of we…”
If you don’t hear a problem in “It’s so fun…”
If you don’t hear a problem every time George W opens his mouth…
(Sorry. This is not a political column.)
Real editors demand that manuscripts be virtually perfect mechanically if they are to be given serious consideration.
A writer must be a master of the basics.
More:
Is there anyone under the age of 40 who knows the difference between lie and lay?
Alot. Alittle?
“I am nauseous.” Right. And when I hear you, I get nauseated!
ITS. IT’S. ITS’. ‘ITS. ‘I’T'S’.
YOU’RE. YOUR. EWR.
TO. TWO. TOO. TOO-TOOOOO-TOOT-TOOT-TOOT….
And, my o’ my, we have be’come the Land of the Decorative Apostrophe, hav’n't we? Next time you visit that wonderful Italian restaurant, Spaghetti Lesters’, be sure to order the ravioli’s or the gnocchis’.
Of course, you would never send out a dumb cover letter or a dumb submission. I know that.
But hey, by highlighting goofs based on those of poor deluded unfortunates who think they are your competition, haven’t we had a nice laugh at their expense?
***
This edition of STORYTELLERS UNPLUGGED is based on two columns I wrote for AFRAID: THE NEWSLETTER FOR THE HORROR PROFESSIONAL. If you remember that publication, whoo! You’re pretty old! I know I am.
Mort Castle
16 Comments, Comment or Ping
David Niall Wilson
I remember AFRAID…
And I remember a LOT of those letters from my days publishing THE TOME - which I was always (and still am) amused to see that almost all well-respected writers leave OFF of their cover letters when listing their credits.
DNW
PS - My 16 year old daughter knows lie, lay, its it’s and all of that….but she’s already written a book and a screenplay, so she may not be normal…
Jun 8th, 2007
John Goodrich
Comico? There’s a name I haven’t heard in nearly a decade. Comico rocked.
Thank you for this column. I think it’s going to be very useful to me.
Jun 8th, 2007
David Niall Wilson
I think with the time-lag it’s notable to mention that if your cover letter is an e-mail, which can tend to be less formal if you aren’t careful…all the same rules apply - including don’t use cutesy fonts, don’t uses all caps…don’t link to every story you’ve ever published on the web…use some common sense…
David
PS if common sense is in short supply you can get it down at the common market…dime a packet.
Jun 8th, 2007
Anonymous
In America, there aren’t many people over the age of forty who seem to know the difference between lie and lay. I blame Bob Dylan and Eric Clapton (and if you know why, you’re probably over 40).
My personal least favorite that you didn’t mention is people not knowing the difference between less and fewer. I think there’s a secret campaign underway to eliminate fewer from the language, and we must fight it.
And, believe me, query letters have not improved. I even received one from a professor of English who said that she had a masters degree in “Creating Writing.” She told me later that the entire English department faculty had proofed the letter, too.
–Bob Fleck
Jun 8th, 2007
Bev Vincent
Heck, I’ll fess up to being over 40 and still befuddled by lie and lay. I have a printout on my writing desk that explains the difference in excruciating detail, and I have to look at it almost every time I encounter the dilemma. It’s one of those stubborn things that absolutely refuse to register permanently in my brain…along with the names of most people I meet casually.
Jun 8th, 2007
Brian
Priceless, Mort!
Jun 8th, 2007
Sully
Second only to an editor’s perspective, a creative writing teacher’s POV yields some winners. I’ll never forget the journalism student who insisted on writing about the anal beauty pageant.
– Sully (Thomas Sullivan)
Jun 8th, 2007
David Niall Wilson
Hey Bob, maybe the rest of the English Department HATED her?
D
Jun 8th, 2007
Elizabeth Massie
I fear these important elements of style and spelling will be harder and harder to teach, or if not to teach then for students to learn, what with text messaging and blogging, with all their new spellings, abbreviations, and twists of grammar. What will acceptable writing look like in 100 years, I wonder? Yikes…
Thanks, Mort!
Beth
Jun 8th, 2007
John B. Rosenman
Hooray. Like Elizabeth Bear’s essay, this should be required reading for writer wannabees. And it can’t hurt the rest of us either. As a writer who published two stories in THE TOME, I applaud Mort’s emphasis on submission basics.
Lie and Lay. Dammit (Damn it?), some of my colleagues in the English and Foreign Languages Department say, “I laid down,” and the like. It seems like a lost cause. The barbarians are at the gates and some of them are teaching our children. Text-messaging is part of the problem, as is technology in general.
Jun 8th, 2007
David Niall Wilson
R U SURE J-DOG IDK if TM is the prob, savvy?
I don’t think the people who text like that were ever going to be fluent in a real language. I just wish EDITORS would figure it out…once it’s in a book, it’s at least partly their fault…
D
Jun 9th, 2007
mortcastle
To Bob Fleck:
Yes on “less” and “fewer.”
Probably should have hit “farther” and “further.”
“Hopefully?” Ah, we’ve lost that war, he said–hopelessly.
Mort
PS. Love your band. Any chance the Flecktones will record “Tie Me Kangaroo Down” soon?
Jun 9th, 2007
Janet Berliner
Please add “then” and “than” to the list and put
out a contract on the person who first said
“anyways.”
Jun 9th, 2007
MariAdkins
My biggest cover letter gripe? Not including one. Just attaching the submission with no other information. Oh, and then there’s the time I got the best cover letter ever: “Do you really read down this far? DO YOU? Write back and let me know!” >.<
Jun 9th, 2007
Mark
Mort — u rock! So on the money…
Although I sometimes want to strangle them, I’m very glad I work with professional copy editors in an educational publishing outfit because they help keep my aging memory refreshed on the finer points of the language.
Fewer be such a good word, yah.
–M
Jun 9th, 2007
mortcastle
Mariadkins says…”My biggest cover letter gripe? Not including one. Just attaching the submission with no other information.”
Sorry, that never bothered me. As I said, one writes a cover letter if there is reason to. Outside of that, what can you say in a cover letter?
–Here’s a story…
Oh, that’s what it is.
–I hope you can use it.
Hmm, that explains why you sent it to me!
–My on-line critique group members really like it…
Good. Let them publish it.
–Could you please provide me a critique if you choose not to use this?
–Sure. Let me send you my rate card.
Yes, a cover letter is needed–when an editor’s listing asks for one or…
…you told me to send this story when I bought you all those drinks in Chicago…
…my brother Joe Hill, who refuses to acknowledge me despite the DNA thing, thought you might like this story…
..figured I’d give you first shot at this, now that I’ve won the Nobel Prize for Literatureness…
Outside of that, well, submissions speak for themselves–sometimes not at all well, but…
Mort
Jun 10th, 2007
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