I suspect this is just a low point in a natural cycle, but there are circumstances that I believe have exacerbated it; stuff at work, at home, and a general disappointment with a writing career that isn’t moving near as fast as I want it to. I don’t know if it’s depression, but it might be.
My head started to throb, my eyes to water and slip shut, I couldn’t focus on the screen or the keys, and the fear that I might be late with my SU essay just wasn’t enough to get me going.
I decided to lay down for a power nap; just an hour or so, chased by a couple strong mochas, and I would be good again. Not as good as new, maybe, but good enough to get this small job done.
I left instructions with my oldest daughter to wake me in an hour and laid down for my nap. That was eight o’clock last night. I woke up at eight AM this morning, well rested, but pissed that no one had waken me.
Turns out they tried several times, but couldn’t wake me up. I find that mildly disturbing – I’m a light sleeper, and the thought that all kinds of bad things could have happened while I was in my twelve-hour coma and I would have been unable to help alarms me.
I was not surprised though. I knew I was getting ready to hit the wall when I began thinking I should just give up writing and take up a more rewarding past time, like collecting comic books or playing video games.
Writers block, apathy, relentless self-doubt, and the feeling that I’ve been wasting my time for the past seven years have turned my creative life into a kind of Hell.
So now I’ve crashed and am in the process of dusting myself off. I’m reevaluating my career, my direction, my attempts to get bigger and better deals and reach more readers, which has not been a smashing success.
My imagination is still intact enough for me to see some of you out there rolling your eyes and hear you thinking “Would you like some cheese with that whine, Mr. Knight?”
I like to think this is more a retrospective than a whine, and there is a point to it.
How many veteran writers reading this have been where I am right now?
All of them, I suspect.
How many fledgling writers?
Again, I suspect all of them.
The veteran writers know exactly what I’m talking about. They’ve all been through it and come out on the other side.
This is for all you new writers, the fresh, struggling talent who may see that approaching wall as their creative death.
That wall is coming.
You will doubt yourself. You will become bitter, cranky, and impossible to deal with. You will think about giving up writing in favor of gardening, playing guitar, or collecting internet porn. Every rejection you receive at this time will crush you, and every criticism will draw blood.
You will hit the wall, and it will hurt.
My advice to you, hit it full throttle, and if you survive the crash with your desire to create still intact, carry on.
Dust yourself off and take a long look at the disaster your writing career has become. Judge yourself, your work, your career, and make a new plan using what you’ve learned. Ask for advice from your friends and acquaintances who have been in the business longer, or who have had more success (in my case these are not hard to find) and consider any advice they have to offer.
Most importantly you must tell yourself (and in some cases this will be a lie, but you must carry on as if it is the truth) “Things can only get better from here.”
Brian Knight
10 Comments, Comment or Ping
David Niall Wilson
I can honestly say that, despite hitting many similar walls, the one thing that never occurred to me was giving up writing. It’s too deeply ingrained. I sometimes wish I could be like others I know and just go to work, go home, watch some TV, play golf, etc…but I can’t. I think about novels, stories, and even these essays when I drive, while I work, and even when I watch the aforementioned TV…but yes…the wall hurts.
You’ll get past it…adversity makes us strong, and all that…
I find that the biggest drag the world can provide occurs after I’ve allowed that world too much “weight” in my mind…
Happy Thanksgiving everyone…and Brian, I hope it looks less bleak after turkey…
Dave
Nov 23rd, 2006
Rick Steinberg
Been there, Brian. Hell, I’m not far from there right now. Although, like Dave, I never seriously thought about quitting. Destroying publishing and bookselling as we know it, sure; but never quitting. I don’t think I would know how.
But then I think about this quote, and somehow manage to carry on:
“Perhaps it would be better not to be a writer, but if you must, then write. If all feels hopeless, if that famous ‘inspiration’ will not come, write. If you are a genius, you’ll make your own rules, but if not - and the odds are against it - go to your desk no matter what your mood, face the icy challenge of the paper - write,” J. B. Priestly
Write on, brother. Write on.
Nov 23rd, 2006
Elizabeth Massie
I’ve hit that wall a number of times. It hurts but it’s a dull hurt, a “depressed” hurt, a I don’t give a shit hurt. Sometimes a good nap (or ten) is all you can manage. But this, too, shall pass…if being a writer is really what you want. For me, I’ve considered quitting but never seriously (I’ve thought, “How much money could a worn-out horror writer make on her back?”) because I can’t imagine not imagining stories and typing them up. They crawl in my head like a parastie that I have to excise. They must be written. And when the breath of fresh air comes again, and it will, it carries with it the true meaning of the word inspiration.
Beth
Nov 23rd, 2006
Teresa
This is the second essay this week that’s been written because someone secretly sliced open my brain and dug around to see what my bloody problem was… Jeff’s Sense of Place being the other one.
I promise a combined response to you and to Jeff over the weekend.
The rest of you? Slice someone else’s skull open, please.
Nov 23rd, 2006
Mark Rainey
Nothing like that has ever happened to me. No sir, not ever. So I’m afraid you’ve lost me this time, Brian.
And you know I’m lying like a dog too, don’t you?
It’s such a familiar feeling that you could have been expressing my own thoughts down to the syllable. Like Dave and the rest, I’ve never even thought about dumping writing. It’s just about the one thing I have total control over. Not what happens to it, how people accept it (or don’t), or whether it will last when I do not, but when I’m alone with the keyboard, in those moments, I’m exactly where I want, need, and ought to be.
I’ve accepted that, despite the pain.
–M
Nov 23rd, 2006
John B. Rosenman
Brian, if you like, I’ll show you the bloody places on the wall where I’ve hit full-tilt. Been there, partner, and yes, I’ve thought of quitting and taking up something for which I have more talent, like playing guitar or professional skateboarding.
Damn good piece. And folks, I hope you had a darn good Thanksgiving.
Nov 23rd, 2006
Brian
Thanks everybody. I’ve been here before, so I know it’s not the end of the world (or my life as a writer).
Dave, Turkey makes everything better
Rick, that may be the best advice I’ve ever read. That quote is now my computer desktop. I need to read it again and again.
Beth, I can’t imagine you being anything other than a writer
Teresa, thanks. I look forward to your response.
Mark, its the moments of absolute symbiosis with my story that I know I’m supposed to be doing what I’m doing. It is sublime, isn’t it?
John, I used to play guitar, but I was worse at that than I am at writing, so it’s out as my fallback
Thank you all, and I hope you had a great Thanksgiving!
Brian
Nov 24th, 2006
Sully
Like Mark, my inclination is to say, “What…depression? — what are you guys talking about?” But I’m way past depression. I’m into denial. Much more pleasant. Truthfully, I’m more like Brian, quitting has always been a vacation in the Mecca of insanity.
What I note, though, is the unmistakable sign of the pro wherein Brian takes his minor belatedness and turns it into its own in fix. That, amigos, is an example in kind. Definitely try that at home. It’s what pros do when they hit the wall.
Man, I hate this Dragon naturally speaking thing. How did this application get “Luddites milk” out of “I’m more like”? I think I’ll quit for the day.
– Sully
(Thomas Sullivan)
Nov 24th, 2006
Teresa
How did this application get “Luddites milk” out of “I’m more like”? I think I’ll quit for the day.
that’s funny… there must be a way to use a phrase like that in a story.
Nov 24th, 2006
Sephera
I can show you the bloody bruises on me where I’ve hit wall…but like the others, I can’t not write. I’ve held about thirty jobs in my life and I realize I can’t really do anything with any focus or desire but write.
So I have to keep putting ass in the chair and finding different ways to do it so that I don’t get stuck in my head. This is why doing horoscopes and the Kama Sutra deck is so fun. It takes me away from the angst of writing fiction….
When I started reading your column, I felt like maybe you have Seasonal Affective Disorder. I do. It sucks but this year I’m taking something for it, and it’s not so bad, so far…
We’ll see.
Keep on writing!
Nov 24th, 2006
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