Ninety Percent Asshole, Ten Percent Saint - Living Online
My concept of the Internet was very narrow at that time. I saw it as a kind of global game of Dungeons & Dragons, where young men with nothing else to do (and young women no one wanted to do anything with) could waste hours, days, perhaps entire lifetimes, playing pointless games. Pretending to be Elves, Dwarfs, warriors, and princesses living in a made up world they could control, that just might be preferable to muddling through their real boring/insane/dysfunctional lives.
I could see the attraction the Internet might hold for some people, but it wasn’t for me.
“You could always use the computer for Your writing,” she persisted. “You don’t have to use the Internet.”
But I didn’t need a computer. My old word processor worked well enough for me. Computers were needlessly complicated, and all I wanted was something to store my words on.
In the end, and against my better judgment, we bought the computer and set her up with an AOL account. Shawna had her computer, and was spending an annoying amount of time online, but it made her happy, so I didn’t complain. Didn’t complain too much, anyway. I refused offers to use her fancy new toy for writing, and stuck with my good old word processor, which had served me well enough for the previous five years.
A few months later Shawna left for a two-week visit with her mother in Pennsylvania, and out of pure grueling boredom, I logged online one night to see what all the hubbub was about.
My early attempts at navigation would have been amusing to an audience of the Internet literate, but my searches eventually led me to *gasp!* a site dedicated to horror movies!
What a revelation that was. People like me on the Internet!
As it often is, my better judgment turned out to be faulty.
After honing my search skills, I came across a number of other horror related sites (I remember a forum that may have been Horrornet, but it looked far too intimidating to me at the time) and a handful of e-zines.
Horror stories on the web? Wow!
By the end of 1999 I had placed a few short stories in two different e-zines (my first acceptances) and sold another story for real money (that is to say the money was real, even if there wasn’t much of it).
The rest, as they say, is history.
I’ve launched a fairly insignificant, but promising, beginning of a career by networking, learning, selling, and promoting online. Maybe I would have broken through eventually without the Internet to help me. Maybe not. I try not to think about that too much.
I’ve made business contacts, friendships, acquaintances of every stripe, and a few enemies.
Somewhere along the line though, I’m afraid my original fears about the Internet came true. I have become what I would have once referred to as a Loser. I spend far too much time online doing nothing even remotely useful, and I have too few real friends.
I can deal with that, I suppose. I like my life for the most part, despite its obvious flaws, and using the Internet has benefited me. Loserdome isn’t so bad after all. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the only Internet pitfall I’ve stumbled in.
Millions of people use the Internet wisely, as a study tool, or a place to interact with the like minded. The World Wide Web is a mixed bag though, and you will find some real nuts among the safe and sane. There are Tyrants and Henchmen, Instigators and Trolls, Flamers, Spies, full out Crazies and Motor Mouths that can’t help but blab every secret confided to them far and wide. There are those, me included, who mostly just sit back and enjoy the show (I think of it as a cross between reality TV and the daytime soaps). It can be great, if often cruel, entertainment.
If my only social role on the message boards I frequent was spectator, that still wouldn’t too troubling, but I have played some of the less desirable rolls.
Sometimes I’m nice, sometimes I’m even good, but the ten percent of time I spend being a saint does not justify the ninety percent I spend being an asshole or silent observer.
This is not a slam on the Internet at large, or the people who use it, but that is not what I logged on for. I’m a writer who spends more time cruising message boards than writing these days. There are times I feel like someone playacting online, pretending to be a writer.
There are plenty of those, by the way. I call them the Wannabes and Look-At-Me’s. They crave attention, but don’t have the will, the ability to take criticism, or (and I feel like a turd saying this) the talent it takes to be a writer. The Wannabes and Look-At-Me’s try to blend in, but are easy to spot. Avoid them at all costs, as they usually turn out to be Crazies, Trolls, or Flamers at heart.
There I go, being an asshole again.
A writer I respect, as much for his humor, charisma, and pure tenacity as for his work, took a step back from online life not too long ago. He has not left, he just doesn’t spend as much time board surfing and interacting as he used to. I was a little disappointed when that happened, I’ve always enjoyed his posts and commentary, but now I see the attraction it must have held for him.
Less pointless drama. Less wasted time. More time to do what he does, which is write.
A very good friend (yes, Internet friends can be good friends) confided in me not too long ago that she feared people were losing their humanity amid all the flame-wars that seem to be in fashion at the moment. I don’t know that I agree with her one-hundred percent; kindness is only one of humanity’s definitions. Humanity also refers to humankind in general, and we all know how ugly humankind can be. I do agree with the spirit of her concern. Just look for yourself and you’ll notice it too. I didn’t see it until she pointed it out, but now I can’t un-see it. I can’t un-see the part I’ve played, either.
I am not quitting the Internet, and I’m not suggesting anyone else should, but I am going to take a small step back and consider how I’ve spent my time online. I need to start watching how I behave.
I’m not happy with ninety percent asshole, ten percent saint. I’m going to work harder from here on out to even those numbers a little. Even if all I can accomplish is fifty-fifty, that’s okay. Fifty-fifty is tolerable. I am only human, after all, and I am bound to backslide from time to time.
Hopefully I won’t be the only one stepping back to take a look.
See you next month. I promise I’ll post something about writing next time.
Brian Knight
Related posts:
- How To Get Published Online
- The Halloween Saint
- HOW I MAKE A LIVING WRITING FULL-TIME
- The Five Percent Solution
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Comments
They crave attention, but don’t have the will, the ability to take criticism, or (and I feel like a turd saying this) the talent it takes to be a writer.
Your pro sale would indicate the above does not apply to you. Even if you had zero sales, your ability to take criticism, grow, and to learn about your craft is what makes you a writer, instead of a “wannabe.”
You are a writer, Livia.
Own it 
Brian
That was a terrific post Brian. You are much less than 90% asshole, trust me But I agree with you, and people need to watch how they behave a little more, and try to remember there’s a living, breathing person behind every post.
Thanks Matt and Mari
Lola, there’s no need for sackcloth and ashes. Just pop over to Shocklines.com and buy one of my books, and all will be forgiven 
Brian
I was under the impression that the term “wannabe” was applied to ANY person trying to become a writer, not just the untalented and insane. I’ve been called a wannabe from the second I started writing, and even with one small pro sale, I’m still considered a wannabe. Even I use the term for myself, since I think it’s disrespectful to call myself a writer when I don’t have the sales to back it up. Yes it’s annoying and vaguely insulting, but I figure if I don’t want to be called that, I should probably STFU about it and keep writing until I start making some sales.