Storytellersunplugged

Greetings and salutations. I’m currently broadcasting from the road, somewhere between Nashville, Tennessee and Cave City, Kentucky. You see, I’m on a book tour this summer, promoting my new novels, Terminal and City of the Dead.

Ah, how romantic it must sound to you. How adventurous. Damn that Brian Keene. He gets to travel around the country all summer long, and have fun, and do exciting things, and meet interesting people. Meanwhile, I’m stuck here at work.

Well, screw you.

I envy you, my friend. I really do. You get to go home to your wife and kids and dog every night. You get to sleep in your own bed and drink coffee just the way you like it because you brewed it yourself. I do not. I get to live out of a suitcase stuffed with dirty laundry, and sleep in the same bed with a bodyguard called Big Joe, who farts and won’t stay on his side of the bed, and I drink bad hotel coffee that was brewed back during the Iran-Contra scandal by surly employees who do not care that the toilet in my room is leaking—surly hotel employees who get to go home at the end of their shift, while I get to drive through 500-miles of road construction in a desperate attempt to reach the next town in time.

And I get to sign books, too.

Usually, this takes place in a bookstore, often inside a shopping mall. I sit at a table piled high with books. Sometimes, there’s a long line of people and I sell out of books. Other times, the readers amount to a trickle, and I get some free time on my hands (which some people say is a very dangerous thing).

I get asked a lot of questions while I’m sitting there at the table. With that free time on my hands, I’ve kept a list of the most-often-asked-questions. I hope you find it informative and helpful, and perhaps it will dispel any illusions you had about promotional tours.

Q: Excuse me. Do you work here?
A: No, but I’ll be happy to sign a book for you.

Q: Can you tell me when the new Harry Potter book is coming out?
A: No, I don’t work here. But I’ll be happy to sign a book for you.

Q: What time does the mall close?
A: I don’t know, but I’ll be happy to sign a book for you before it does.

Q: (picking up a book) The Rising? Is this the new Left Behind novel?
A: Let me stab you in the eye with this pen.

Q: (picking up another book) City of the Dead? That’s gonna be a video game, right? I’ll wait for the game.
A: I didn’t want to sell a book to you, anyway.

Q: (picking up a third book) Terminal? Is this the movie with Tom Hanks?
A: No, this is that horrible made-for-TV movie with Sally Struthers and Mr. T.

Q: Are these horror novels? I don’t read horror novels. I only read self-help books and diet plans.
A: You poor, sad bastard.

Q: Are these horror novels? I don’t read horror novels. I only read Stephen King and Dean Koontz.
A: Then you’ll like these.

Q: Do you know Stephen King or Dean Koontz?
A: If I say yes, will your opinion of me as a writer improve enough for you to buy a book?

Q: Did you write these books?
A: No. Stephen King and Dean Koontz dictated them to me telepathically.

Q: Whatever happened to Stephen King, anyway?
A: He changed his name to Bryan Smith and wrote House of Blood.

Q: I used to read Clive Barker, but I don’t see many books by him anymore. Why is that?
A: He got a job as a goat herder in Lima, Peru.

Q: Whatever happened to Robert R. McCammon?
A: He’s chilling with Clive. Every evening, they take turns reading passages from Ira Levin’s Son of Rosemary and giggle until they cry.

Q: I bet you make a lot of money writing books.
A: Not as much as you make working part-time at Nina’s Pretzel Palace and Hot Dog Emporium.

Q: Are you serious?
A: Yes.

Q: Then why do you keep writing books?
A: Because I enjoy touring and meeting folks like you.

Q: When will the movie versions of The Rising and City of the Dead come out?
A: I can’t tell you.

Q: Why not?
A: Because I signed a non-disclosure agreement.

Q: What’s a non-disclosure agreement?
A: A piece of paper that says I can’t tell you anything about the movie without the producer’s consent.

Q: Why should I buy a book?
A: Because if you don’t, that manager over there behind the counter will rip off the cover and send it back to the publisher like a severed head. And no, I am not kidding.

Q: But that’s savage!
A: That’s publishing!

Q: Can you just sign your name, instead of making it out to me? And oh, by the way, I saw how much your out-of-print books are going for on eBay.
A: Congratulations, eBay winner! Regards, Brian Keene…

Q: Have you ever been on Oprah’s Book Club?
A: No. But I was featured in the New York Times.

Q: Oh. I just watch TV. I never read the paper. In fact, I don’t read at all.
A: Guess I can’t sign a book for you then, huh?

Q: $6.99? $6.99 for a book? I don’t have the money for that!
A: It was nice talking to you. Thanks for stopping by.

Q: Are these really the questions you get asked the most, or did you just make this up because your essay was due and you didn’t have anything else to write about?
A: Yes.

Brian Keene