Storytellersunplugged

I’m in a bubble-bursting mood today, but I’m not sure that’s really a bad thing.  Some bubbles need bursting.  Most of these little lumps of coal are meant for the newbies in this crazy business, who need every bit of advice they can get, and who also need a good bubble bursting every now and then to keep them honest. 

1. All publicity is not good publicity.  Rampaging across the Internet like a lunatic, making jackass posts on public forums, and starting pissing matches with people well established in the business just so people will see your name will not translate to sales.  People will think you’re a moron, and will stay away in droves. 

2. Sometimes, out of pure goodness, or maybe temporary insanity, a BIG NAME writer, and by BIG NAME I mean someone you’re likely to find on the shelves of any book store you visit, and often in the Best Sellers section, will stick their neck out and offer the accumulated wisdom of their experiences, both good and bad. 

You may or may not like what they have to say (this depends largely on your ability to accept reality), but calling them out as elitists and pissing on their advice is one of the worst things you could do.  You will look stupid, and the BIG NAME in question will decide trying to help the new generation of writers is not worth the hassle.

People will remember that you are the reason one of their favorite writers no longer posts on that particular forum, and they will hate you for it.  See above – All publicity is not good publicity. 

3. Writers are crazy.  Failed writers are crazy and hostile.  New and inexperienced writers are crazy and desperate.  Handle all the above with care. 

4. Five years is too long to wait for an editor’s yay or nay, but sometimes we still have to wait. 

5. You are not the next Harlan Ellison or Brian Keene.  Pretending you are will only make you look foolish. 

6. You are not the next Stephen King or Peter Straub.  Telling people you are will only make you look foolish. 

7. People love to speculate and gossip.  Writers aspire to speculate and gossip for a living.  Be careful which of your writer acquaintances you confide in, or you may find the most sensitive aspects of your private life made the topic of the day on one or more of your favorite writer’s message boards. 

8. You can’t polish a turd. 

9. If you publish your turd through Lulu.com or Publish America, you will still only have a turd (and a large hole in your bank account that said turd will never be able to fill). 

10. A large percentage of the people who need this advice will call me an elitist snob and ignore it.  To the remaining percentage, who are at least willing to consider this type of advice, good luck to you!  May the coming year be a productive, and instructive, one. 

Brian Knight