While You Were At Horrorfind
Up at six-o’clock in the morning, get my van cleaned out, then loaded for the trip (a cooler full of ice, soda, and food – by the end of the day the inside of that cooler resembled a half digested glob of bread and cheese, with a few soda cans poking through the surface like crashed flying saucers).
We left around eight, and the first ten-thousand miles went well enough. A little road work, but no huge delays. The last ten miles, from downtown Coeur D’Alene to Silverwood, was like taking a slow train through one of Hell’s most congested highways. We arrived in Coeur D’Alene at about eleven, and spent the next hour and a half driving at an average speed of five miles per hour. We arrived at the parking lot at about twelve-thirty, and after finding a space somewhere near the Canadian border, set out for the park itself.
Arrived at the park about one in the afternoon, and almost turned around right then. There were over six-teen thousand people crammed into Silverwood, and ninety percent of them were waiting in line at the rides my kids wanted to go on.
My first near miss with Silverwood security happened at the Corkscrew, a rollercoaster my daughters wanted to go on very badly. We waited in line for an hour and a half (I was having flashbacks to the last ten miles of the drive about then), and when we finally made it to the ride, a sleepy looking Bill & Ted clone pounced on Ellie, my youngest daughter, with the You Must Be This Tall stick they carry.
Her head just touched the top of the stick. I let out a little sigh of relief. It would have really sucked if we had waited in line all that time for nothing.
“She’s too short,” said the mouth-breather, and he shuffled away.
I made a few comments about inbreeding and glorified carnies, both of which he appeared to dislike, and made my way back into the crowd below with a very pissed off Ellie, while Judi rode the Corkscrew.
Next was Thunder Canyon, where they stick you in a big fancy tube with five other adventurous souls and send you floating down a winding man-made river, and spray a lot of water on you.
I was a little more optimistic about this one. No way Ellie was too short for this. Also, the line appeared to be shorter, and moving much more swiftly. I failed to account for the hundred or so roped switchbacks in the line.
Two hours later (no, I am not exaggerating) we arrived at the front of the line. The people in front of us were looking very grumpy. I wondered why, the wait was about over, after all, when a nervous looking young lady stepped out and announced that the ride was broken, and would take anywhere from fifteen minutes to two hours to repair.
Shit!
OK, so we’re faced with a choice. Stay put and wait, or leave. Moments later the choice was made for us, as the nervous young lady returned and said two hours minimum, then shooed us all away.
At this point Chris and Judi, the oldest of my kids, have had at least one ride. Ellie however was starting to get very upset. So after we found one of the park’s well-hidden Designated Smoking Areas and took a break, I decided to try and win her something.
To this end I paid my three dollars for an attempt at mountain climbing. It was a fiberglass mountain, and only thirty feet tall, but I’d never climbed before. After stopping me from putting my harness on backward and upside down, the park employee in attendance gave me a choice between Very Easy, Easy, Moderate, and Hard.
What the hell, I thought, and picked Hard.
I promptly fell off. Thank god for the safety line!
He took pity on me and gave me another shot. I picked Moderate this time (didn’t want to look like too much of a wimp after all), and surprised the hell out of myself (and apparently everyone else) by scrambling to the top in around thirty seconds. I suspect I looked something like a crippled monkey, but Shawna said I looked cool, so I’ll go with that.
I won Ellie a stuffed turtle.
She named that turtle Myrtle.
Myrtle the Turtle.
I hurt my bad ankle and knee while repelling back down, but it was worth it. Ellie loves Myrtle the Turtle.
After some slightly shorter waits at much lesser rides and a very late lunch, I expressed my wish, as head of the Knight family, to return home.
A few hours later I found myself in line at Silverwood’s main attraction, a sixty-five mile per hour rollercoaster called Tremors. I was actually looking forward to this one, and I had double-checked that Ellie would be able to ride if she was sitting next to me. Strange that they would let Ellie on Tremors, the fourth best roller coaster in the United States, and a monster of a ride, but not on the Corkscrew, which is like the Tea Cups ride in comparison.
Yet a few more hours later, it was our turn. I asked her if she was sure she could handle it. She said yes, and we boarded.
She seemed very pleased with Tremors, until it took the first dive and we broke the sound barrier. She started screaming then, mostly AAAAAAAAA!!!!!, or MAKE IT STOP!, or I WANT OFF! She didn’t stop screaming until the ride was over.
She was convinced we were off the tracks most of the time, and was also convinced each moment of the ride that she would be splattered on the ground below at the next moment. Her least favorite part of the ride, she told me later, was the four times where it went into underground tunnels. Her favorite was when she was walking away from it.
All in all she did very well. At least one adult left that ride behind with soiled and wet pants.
No, it wasn’t me!
The rest of the day was less exciting. More lines, more waiting, and an hour trip around the parameter of the park in a very old steam locomotive that I mostly slept through. I woke up once to find a bear, a possum, and something that called itself a North Idaho Dirt Monkey, playing that nifty banjo tune from Deliverance. The bear was hip-hop dancing to it. All in all it was five minutes I would have been much happier sleeping through.
I had a brief scare at the souvenir shop, when Ellie seemed to vanish right out from under me. Coeur D’Alene, you might remember, is where Dylan and Shasta Groene were kidnapped by a monster named Joseph Duncan. He killed their older brother, mother, and their mother’s boyfriend before taking them, and left Dylan’s body somewhere in the mountains of Montana. Only Shasta survived. This is not an isolated incident either. Seems lately that North Idaho is the Sexual Predator capitol of the world.
I found Ellie a few minutes later, when she returned to the store. She’d decided to go outside for a minute to get away from the crowd. I gave her one hell of a talking to, and that will never happen again.
After more blah-blah, Shawna and I decided it was time to leave. An hour or so later we actually left. This, apparently was the same time Silverwood’s other sixteen thousand guests decided to leave. A half-hour after leaving, we actually made it out of the parking lot,
The drive home was uneventfull … and long.
We arrived back home early this morning, and I for one am happy to have Silverwood behind me for at least another year.
So, to all my friends who attended Horrorfind, I just want to say, the rest of us had stuff going on too. We weren’t all huddled around our computers, constantly awaiting updates, or prank calls from the Horrorfind Hotel (I didn’t get one anyway).
I’ll see you at WHC, you bastards!
Brian Knight
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Comments
Hey Brian,
Great blog! I always have higher hopes for theme parks than I should. The lines, the heat, the expensive food, the rides that are over in a minute, the….lines. Good for you, Dad, taking the gang. I now envision you as a new generation Clark Griswold, hell bent on enjoying the fucking, goddamed park if it kills you. Love the photo on the rollercoaster. At least you aren’t holding a pistol to anyone’s head.
Beth
“I woke up once to find a bear, a possum, and something that called itself a North Idaho Dirt Monkey, playing that nifty banjo tune from Deliverance.”
Come on! That sounds like the highlight of the day! 
Alan
I’m a drag at theme parks because I hate all the rides except maybe the ferris wheel and the monorail. I don’t do circles well — I get dizzy easily — and I don’t enjoy the out-of-control sensation of most rollercoasters. “Her favorite was when she was walking away from it.” That’d be me, too.
Hey Sarah. What a partriotic dog! You should show your appriciation by buying him a fancy new shock-collar
Hey Beth. Silverwood would be wonderful, if everyone else would just go away. Next time I’m going on a Wednesday. I hear the place is deserted mid-week. Do you live near a theme park?
Hey Alan. At least they didn’t make anyone squeel like a pig
Mari, you should make it over here and try Tremors some time. It’s a fantastic ride. Silverwood also has Timber Terrors. Not as fast as Tremors, but it has much sharper turns.
Janet, you’re not missing much. He wasn’t a very good dancer 
Hey Bev. Well, Ellie has changed her mind about the whole experience. She says now that she can’t wait to go on it again! *sigh*
Brian
Yes, I foolishly volunteered to stay over and housesit my friend’s insane dog for the weekend, which ate one of my shoes, peeed on the floor after having just been out for a mammoth walk in the pouring British summer rain and then woke me up at 5.45 barking for England!
Jealous of all those at horrorfind? me? pah!
Sarah xx